In Praise of Not Praising
Moving beyond “Good job!” to help kids build confidence
For many parents, “Good job!” becomes an automatic response to our children’s accomplishments. After all, we’re trying to build their self-esteem and give them the confidence to take on new challenges.
But we are learning that the way we praise children matters. Research suggests that what can be most helpful is not simply praise, but encouragement and support. The difference is subtle, but important.
Praise tends to focus on results—good marks, number of goals scored, making the “right” decisions. The problem is that children may feel as though their success is based on things that are outside of their control, such as intelligence, natural ability, or just plain luck.
If they don’t do well the next time, they may believe that they just don’t have the ability. When things get tougher—for example, when math questions get harder—they may doubt their ability to overcome the challenges.
Encouragement, on the other hand, focuses on the effort or the process. “Wow. You really worked hard on that,” is just as appropriate when the end result is an A or a D. These are things the child can control, such as effort and the strategies they use. When they don’t do well, children are more likely to believe that it’s not because they don’t have the ability to do it, but because they may need to try a different approach or put in more effort. They learn that if they keep working at a challenging task, they can improve and succeed.
Another pitfall with praise is that children can get “hooked” on it. When children are constantly praised or are praised mainly for getting things right, they may begin to place more value on what others think about them and seek approval from others—parents, teachers, and peers.
Encouragement, on the other hand, allows them to value their own opinion of their accomplishments. Rather than looking to us to tell them they’ve done a good job, they have an opportunity to decide for themselves. They become more internally, rather than externally, motivated.
So instead of the knee-jerk “Good job” response, try describing what you see. “Look how happy your friend looks now that you shared your toy.” “You worked hard to figure that out.” Or even, “You did it!” This acknowledges their accomplishments and lets them feel good about them.
Ask questions. “What did you do differently?” “How do you feel about that?” This is effective whether they did well on a task or not. It gets them to consider what helped them do well, or what they could change the next time in order to be more successful. It also shows them that we are interested in—and value—what they do, even when they aren’t perfect.
Through encouragement, children learn they have some control over outcomes. They learn that they can overcome challenges. They also learn that what others think isn’t nearly as important as what they think about themselves.
Laura LaRocca was previously the coordinator at Dufferin Parent Support Network. If you have questions regarding this article, email us at info@parentsupportnetwork.ca
